And then there were 12......

Years that is. I am officially in Year 12, doing Extension 2 English as I write this. Well not really, as this blog isn't part of the curriculum but like the relatives who always give me shitty, impractical gifts ("Ice skates? Thanks Cousin A! Oh and by the way, I have never liked you and your dad's not your real dad.") always say, it's the thought that counts. Anyway, back on track I am no longer doing CAFs or fuckmedeadIhatethisfuckingsubjectsomuch Biology, so I now have free periods in the middle of the day (yay!!!!!!). Good on me.

In Memoriam of My Illusion of Toughness- Please Disregard Completely.

Hello everyone. Well, what can I say- for the first time ever in this blog, you will not hear a rant from a quite frankly cold hearted cynic. You're not going to hear a raging bile duct attached to a keyboard. And you're definitely not going to hear an array of expletives towards those whose faces appear on the cover of magazines.

You are going to hear a totally personal post, which might I add, I am definitely going to regret later. Just as a heads up, it is about a particular person who if for truly the first time in my life I am completely honest, has held a place in in my mind and heart for going on five years, regardless of whether I want them to or not.

I will not say their name as if the people whom I've disappointed get ahold of this they will be able to blackmail me. Also, it would not be fair on the person in question if such an event were to happen and they were thrown into my self inflicted humiliation. They don't deserve that at all.

But in all fairness, please let me clarify a thing or two:

1. I don't love them. I mean, not necessarily.....I haven't really experienced it at all (you know the kind I'm talking about) so I can't say for sure- in the instance that what I'm feeling does turn out to be love then I don't want to love them anymore.
   
2. I don't want them to know at all about my vague feelings, so therefore I do not invite them.
3. I don't want to be with them.

But there is one thing that I do want......

I want them to be happy, even if its not with me. If I have to refrain from talking to them or being with them then that's fine, as long as they're happy. This is partly the reason as to why I'm writing this- recently I've been a bit troubled with how I feel about this person so if this goes the way I want, then maybe by the end of this post I will be rid of them from my system and will not feel so under-the-thumb of this. Maybe there'll be some truth in the hatred I feel for them as well.

I apologise. I'm not brilliant at this bare-truth thing so please excuse me. It's quite late and I don't know...I really have no truthful excuse for this except that I'm sick of being haunted by the image of this person. I'll probably end up deleting this later so take no notice of it.

In other news, I had my first drive today. Was good, except I need to remember to use my blinkers. Didn't go above 40 km an hour and almost cut the gutter.

Missteps in Logic Pt 1

Why is it that on Funniest Home Videos they have that section where just before someone falls, they pause it, create a speech bubble and write something in that has absolutely nothing to so with the topic at hand? Surely instead of "This is what happens during a Recession" they'd be thinking "Oh fuck, I'm falling"?

Grazing on Beddroom+Bathroom Catalogues

Evenin' all. Well I'm back from Groovin the Moo (I have been for about 120 hours but have been too tired/sore/lazy to write anything) in Maitland and despite my nature to absolutely hate everything about popular culture, I have to say that I had an excellent time.
I was there to see the Drones and I did. Front row.

Did you hear that? FRONT......ROW.....in front of Guitarist Dan Luscombe.

Anyway, if you don't know who the Drones are, then I will refrain form calling you a fool because their music is just that little bit too dark for commercial radio- funny, I thought 'She Had an Abortion that She Made Me Pay For' was going to be chanted by the shitbags who still phone in requests of the Kyle (boohissboo) and Jackie O show too.

Their songs are quite dark but not in a "Oh my god......I come from a white collar family, everyone waits on my hand and foot- I just want to self harm because my life is so awesome and lacks any kind of poetry" way but a "I'm a strange and sometimes painful headspace and this is how I'm coping with it" manner. It's gooooooood.

The songs that they played in their set I highly recommend:

Oh My: from an album called Havilah. About the end of the world and quite funny. Possibly the greatest non-You Am I lyrics ever written.
She Had an Abortion that She Made me Pay For: From The Miller's Daughter. Probably the darkest of the lot, tells of a junkie girlfriend who treated the lead singer like shit and managed to stir up a lot of anger in him
The Minotaur: From Havilah. Has a dig at generations Y & Z and how they're glued to some kind of technology every second of the day.
Motherless Children: From Here Come the Lies. Jesus, I don't have to explain do I?
I Don't Ever Want to Change: Form Gala Mill. Quite proud song, or at least, lets my freak flag fly.

But yeah, it was great. I'm really glad I got to go, despite the amount of drugs that were around. There were sniffer dogs there of course, but people still managed to smuggle in a police narcotics lab to rival Hunter S Thompson's boot in Fear and Loathing. Some people right next to us were jointing up. Now I have no objections to anyone using the grass on this one say out of the year where the yoof get to listen to their favourite bands, but that's a bit over the fucking top don't you reckon? It was blowing over us as well, so we were getting most of the high pretty much- I wouldn't have minded if chips weren't $5 apiece.
Also, we were talking to this really funny guy during the De la Soul set (No, I didn't go see it. Why? Because I have an unbridled hate for any hip hop that isn't Russian.) and we were all having a great time and the Living End came on. He was a really nice chap who was a Living End fan as well so we stood next to eachother during the start. Anyway, this tenaciously pissed girl begins to tear through the crowd like a Bull elk on elephant steroids- shoves past me, my mate and our Living End loving friend quite rudely for one, but I shrug it off. Our Living End loving friend however, pushes her through the crowd trying to assist her but by a some metaphysical fuck up, she topples over about 8 people. This would've ended if she's just apologised to the now vertical Moovers and Shakers and got on her way but no, she preceded to turn back and start punching our LELF, screaming and pushing him through the crowd into disappearance. Ok, bye then.

But what I want to talk about with you today is people who pick disputes for no real reason other than to satisfy some kind of anal-retentive need and shit you off. I was walking home with one of my best mates today- lets protect the innocent and call her G- and we were just talking and having a bit of a laugh, what you normally do when you're walking home with someone. Anyway, she picked up a bunch of rolled up catalogues from the nature strip and started having a look at them all very innocent-like. Anyway, normally when she's done with something, she just puts it somewhere and forgets about it. On this one occasion though, she mailed it through what looked like a handle on this caravan parked outside someone's house and we proceeded to keep on walking. Like at Groovin the Moo, it would've ended if a third party would've just gotten the fuck over it but once again it's a big fat no on the 'reasonable' front.
We were in fact, greeted by what looked like the mother out of What's Eating Gilbert Grape in a pair of purple flannelette pajamas and the conversation went thus:

Barney the Purple Dinosaur: (up on a second storey, speaking from inside) Excuse me, did you put something on my caravan?

(G and I look at eachother in a bit of a daze)

Me: No, we didn't
Barney: Yes you did, I saw something being put on my caravan
Me: (Now thinking "Why the fuck did you ask us then?")...........
Barney: Take it off.

(G then presumes to saunter back, removing the catalogue quite easily from the handle wile the woman sinks back into watching daytime telly)

Now, of course I am going to try to take a diplomatic approach to this as it was downright stupid but for chrissakes, its a catalogue! It's not a giant cock on the side of your precious caravan, it's not hoardes of toilet paper all over it, it's not a great big steaming turd smeared all over the windshield- a CATALOGUE! Mailed quite neatly in the handle and thus can be removed without great strain! People do that out the front of Coles every day- they're called parking inspectors issuing out tickets but even then you just get the fuck over it!
I just have a few problems with that dispute:

1. It was a catalogue (see above).
2. Why was she staring at us walk past her house in the middle of the day in the first place? It's quite possible that we narrowly escaped a rape or something because really, why the fuck else would you stare at highschoolers walk part your house spraycan/permanent marker/fecal matter free?
3. She was in flannellette pajamas also- IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! AND IT'S FUCKING HOT! Put some decent clothes on you stupid woman! Come to think of it, it did smell a bit like roast beef around there..... Either way, it was obvious she didn't work, nor have any domestic duties but even the stay at home mums don't fang about the house on a weekday in nothing but their bedwear unless they're bludging off Centrelink, have let themselves go completely, have some kind of illness (the least possible option in this case because sick people tend to have a bit more on their mind than telling people off when they go past their caravan), or are The Dude off The Big Lebowski.
4. She did seem to have a slight weight issue, so if she'd just mustered up the energy to just get over it, come down and dislodge it herself if it really bothered her, it could be her daily exercise.

Anyway, kudos to that stupid woman. I suppose we need nincompoops like her to realise that the good ol' compo payout will almost always fuel these day long soapfests in flannelettes and extravagant purchases that make you think "Well, I don't think they actually need the money do they?" and that one day, it might just be us staring down the 2-strong highschool crowds walking and talking to eachother, waiting to pounce because oooh, they're such little bastards aren't they? They put something on my caravan! The pricks!

Fear and Loathing in My Local Nextra.

Good evening beautiful people. How are we? Well there's nothing on telly so I'm going to lead you on more of my very irritating adventures- this time, a Nextra.
For those of you still in the dark as to what Nextra is, it's basically a video store and newsagents compacted together like cubes of trash in Monsters Inc. It's a strange combination but somehow it works, at least a whole lot better than my local Video Ezy. For one, it actually sorts films out both alphabetically and per genre- something Video Ezy have just just peaked on.

"Do you think we should sort films out by theme?"

"...................."

"It would really help the customers."

"...................."

"It'd make it easier for them to find films."

"...................."

"Well what do you reckon?"

"Go fuck yourself. That's what I reckon."

Anyway, I was looking for a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Fight Club. I managed to find Fight Club but no Fear and Loathing. That is not what this blog is about though. What I saw in Nextra was another thing that pisses me off about places of retail- people taking up an entire aisle when looking for something. I mean just....WHY?!?!?! Why do people feel the need to stand on the other side when looking for something? Why do they want to make people feel awkward whenever they walk past to get some, I dunno....yoghurt or something. It is bullshit I tell you!
It happened in Woolworths as well. There's a line in Fight Club:

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda who wouldn't screw to save its species."

If we could change that panda bit to something about these aisle-hogging fuckwits, then that would explain exactly how I feel. There should be someone at the top of the shelves in these places with a sniper reasy to pick off these clowns the minute they step over that half-of-the-aisle-width line. What are they trying to prove- that they're vision's pretty tiptop? It's just a stupid waste of space soley based on human selfishness- that they have to get that box of marshmallow squares so much that they're not willing to leave a bit of space behind them so other poeple can get thorugh their shopping hassle-free. Now that I think about it, some may just be making a connection in a "Hey....you like home brand sausage rolls. So do I......can we make out?" kind of way, but you have to admit, Nextra and Woolies are pretty sad places to do it in. Like that Special K ad where the girl is at home and it's 3 in the morn and the only thing she has to snack on is chocolate coated Special K (Special K is supposed to be healthy. Coating it in chocolate DEFEATS THE PURPOSE!).

So if you see one of these arseholes in one of your preferred places of retail, just walk the fuck in front of them. If they haven't learned how to look at things from a reasonable distance then they don't deserve your courtesy.

Where Have all the Good Books Gone and Where are all the Clods? The Answer to the Latter is Everywhere! A Rant.

Evenin' all. Well, not evening- it's almost 11 in the pm so well and truly nighttime. Even so, let's start.

I spent yesterday in Borders trying to hunt down a couple of mangas- I couldn't find the volumes I wanted to basically I ended up wandering around all 2 storeys of the place for about an hour. A whole hour. Doesn't seem like much really until you find this:

A whole....entire section dedicated to Twilight on both levels.

I mean, Jesus. BOTH FUCKING LEVELS! As if a change in altitude is going to change peoples minds!
"Oh yeah. When I was on the ground level I hated Twilight with the fire of a thousand suns but now I've gone up an escalator, I think I've change my mind. But I won't stop there- not only will I buy all four books of this truly crap series, I'll buy the three (yes, THREE) biographies of Robert Pattinson (the actor who stars in the film version) as well!"

For those who have been lucky enough to not know what the Christ Twilight is, its a bunch of bilge written by a Mormon housewife named Stephenie Meyer (her name alone shits me to no end, mainly because Stephenie is spelt with another 'e'). Now, call me old fashioned, call me a bit prejudiced, but I really don't reckon that a devout Mormon (I almost spelt moron then- see, the hatred is consuming me) would really the the best authority on writing about a creature belonging to the occult- that's just me though because if things are put into a little perspective, history tells us that religion has a habit of narrowing peoples minds in terms of new ideas and beliefs.
I mean, there's Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley- the godparents of horror who were probably devout Christians back in the day, but they come form a time where you were pretty much belted mercilessly if you were an atheist. Nowadays, most vampire novelists are atheists if anything. Even Anne Rice (who is a Roman Catholic now- she became one in '04) spent most of her adult life and wrote the Vampire Chronicles when she was an atheist. In plain frickin English, I reckon that it's better that your mind is opened to more, less-saccharine sweet possibilities if you're going to write about some seriously gory shit.
I'm not just attacking her religion- who knows, maybe it was just a facade and she was into some good ol' vampire classics like Dracula or the Vampyre? An enticing possibility it is, a home truth it is not. There is absolutely no mention of any vampire texts whatsoever, meaning that the subject matter hasn't really been researched all that well. She says that the Twilight series was 'inspired' (completely ripped) by Anne of Green Gables, Jane Eyre, Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights and A Midsummer Nights dream- basically a bunch of novels where after a few complications, everything is hunky-dory and everyone is in lurrrrrve. Pass me the sick bucket please.

Anyway, back onto the basic plot of Twilight. Basically this girl named Bella is dumped on the doorstep of her father's while her mother pisses off with a baseball player. She goes to school and is immediately popular as many people befriend her/think she's hot- if that's not a complete cop-out, I don't know what is. Apparently this isn't good enough for her as she becomes attracted to Edward, strange unit who is both grossed out by her and lookin' a bit pasty.
What happens next is that a van almost backs over her. At that moment the story would've been immediately awesome but no- Edward has to magically come in and stop the car with his bare hands. It's ok, this is a safe space here. You can yell "OH COME ON!!!!!" and not be persecuted.

So what happens then is that she cons her thick-shit friend into telling her about the legends of the area and voila, finds out he's a vampire. All would be well because OMG, he's like, SO HOT! But with him being a vampire and all, there is a chance he could kill her. Oh but wait- he drinks the blood of animals so that's totally alright! He's like, a vegan!

Now, forgive me for being a bit cynical here, but WHAT THE FUCK?!?!! Vampires are supposed to drink human blood- that's what makes them cool/evil/sexy! They are dangerous and nowadays, they hate it because they just want to be like everybody else who can eat real food. So far even the one known vampire in modern literature that did live on animal blood (Louis out of Interview with the Vampire, because he couldn't live with the guilt) eventually buckled because drinking animal blood is the vampire equivalent of eating out of a bin.
She even states that "I don't think my books are going to be really graphic or dark, because of who I am. There's a lot of light to my novels."
DON'T CHOOSE A DARK SUBJECT THEN YOU DOZY COW!

Also, another beef I have is that vampires can walk out in the sun. That alone would piss any vampire-nut off but wait- his skin doesn't become a big, steaming pile of ash! No, it 'glitters like diamonds'! As you can imagine I'm basically punching the keys now because it's yet another thing that completely flouts traditional vampire lore. It sounds like he has a head like a fucking disco ball! For one, vampires are creatures of the night, which means they're pretty screwed if they walk out during the day! But oh, it's kinda overcast all the time in Forks to that's ok right? Vampires have an aversion to any kind of natural light because it will burn their skin. Have you got that Meyer? Good, now we can move on.

Anyway, with them being in love and everything, things seem pretty cool bananas. Oh but wait- a real vampire (one that actually drinks human blood) has come to town and has one target- Bella. Now, this is really the only kind of relief in this because here I only see a good guy:

1. He actually abides by vampire traditions
2. He wants to kill the shit out of that fuckrag Bella

Come on, you all have to see where I'm going with this? This is a massive hunk of mass-produced shit that is taking up 2 spaces in Borders that could've easily been taken up by oh, I dunno....SOMETHING WORTH READING!
What I really hate that not only does it crap all over vampires but it rides the coattails of Harry Potter in aiming for the pubescent-teen market, only Harry Potter was wholly original without ending up as a complete festering turd of a thing.
I mean, God- Edward's age is listed as being 108 even though he was 'turned' in 1918. Now I wasn't that much good at maths, but that would mean that Twilight is actually set in 2026, not in today's times like it states. It's ok Stephenie Meyer....there are loads of people who can't write or count.
People, be wise. Don't buy Twilight full stop, even as a gift because it's just.....I have a distinct feeling that this was formulated in a whole of 8 seconds and not properly thought through; mainly because each chapter is the absolute same:

Edward: I love you.
Bella: Really?
Edward: But I'm DANGEROUS!!!!!!!

Besides, Stephenie Meyer really doesn't need the money because apparently this piece of shit had sold 42 million copies worldwide. Just goes to show how much good writing is valued nowadays I guess.

Now, what adds insult to injury on this one is while I was browsing the Art section of Borders (right next to the 'Young Adult' section), I kept on being interrupted by these constant titters, giggles, squeals, yelps and yowls. I'd been hearing it for a while so I decided to go check it out, wondering if there was a murder going on that everyone just overlooked. What I saw was not a murder (that would've been kinder), but in fact a bunch of scattered copies of Twilight and a group of girls about 7-strong, sitting down on the floor lying all over eachother. Call me old fashioned again but aren't bookshops generally supposed to be quiet places- there are chairs reserved for quiet reading at least. It was just a little bit irritating in a sandpaper-against-the-uterus kind of way considering these girls were my age, if not older than me and just being really loud and obnoxious with no regard for anyone else.
What really topped it all off was when one of the girls finally caught her breath and whined to one of her cohorts thus:

"Awwww....I hope I don't get thrown out. That'll be the third store in 'ere I've been banned from!"

Oh jeez, I wonder why. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to polish up my six-shooter and buy a can of petrol and a box of matches.

If It Were Not For This Body, I Would Live forever

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One less than 12.

Hello everyone. It was second day of year 11 today and as a rite of passage into the controlling world that is the senior school, we had to write about what year 11 means to us. Had I been left any longer, you'd find me hanging from the ceiling.