Good evening beautiful people. How are we? Well there's nothing on telly so I'm going to lead you on more of my very irritating adventures- this time, a Nextra.
For those of you still in the dark as to what Nextra is, it's basically a video store and newsagents compacted together like cubes of trash in Monsters Inc. It's a strange combination but somehow it works, at least a whole lot better than my local Video Ezy. For one, it actually sorts films out both alphabetically and per genre- something Video Ezy have just just peaked on.
"Do you think we should sort films out by theme?"
"...................."
"It would really help the customers."
"...................."
"It'd make it easier for them to find films."
"...................."
"Well what do you reckon?"
"Go fuck yourself. That's what I reckon."
Anyway, I was looking for a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Fight Club. I managed to find Fight Club but no Fear and Loathing. That is not what this blog is about though. What I saw in Nextra was another thing that pisses me off about places of retail- people taking up an entire aisle when looking for something. I mean just....WHY?!?!?! Why do people feel the need to stand on the other side when looking for something? Why do they want to make people feel awkward whenever they walk past to get some, I dunno....yoghurt or something. It is bullshit I tell you!
It happened in Woolworths as well. There's a line in Fight Club:
"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda who wouldn't screw to save its species."
If we could change that panda bit to something about these aisle-hogging fuckwits, then that would explain exactly how I feel. There should be someone at the top of the shelves in these places with a sniper reasy to pick off these clowns the minute they step over that half-of-the-aisle-width line. What are they trying to prove- that they're vision's pretty tiptop? It's just a stupid waste of space soley based on human selfishness- that they have to get that box of marshmallow squares so much that they're not willing to leave a bit of space behind them so other poeple can get thorugh their shopping hassle-free. Now that I think about it, some may just be making a connection in a "Hey....you like home brand sausage rolls. So do I......can we make out?" kind of way, but you have to admit, Nextra and Woolies are pretty sad places to do it in. Like that Special K ad where the girl is at home and it's 3 in the morn and the only thing she has to snack on is chocolate coated Special K (Special K is supposed to be healthy. Coating it in chocolate DEFEATS THE PURPOSE!).
So if you see one of these arseholes in one of your preferred places of retail, just walk the fuck in front of them. If they haven't learned how to look at things from a reasonable distance then they don't deserve your courtesy.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Where Have all the Good Books Gone and Where are all the Clods? The Answer to the Latter is Everywhere! A Rant.
Evenin' all. Well, not evening- it's almost 11 in the pm so well and truly nighttime. Even so, let's start.
I spent yesterday in Borders trying to hunt down a couple of mangas- I couldn't find the volumes I wanted to basically I ended up wandering around all 2 storeys of the place for about an hour. A whole hour. Doesn't seem like much really until you find this:
A whole....entire section dedicated to Twilight on both levels.
I mean, Jesus. BOTH FUCKING LEVELS! As if a change in altitude is going to change peoples minds!
"Oh yeah. When I was on the ground level I hated Twilight with the fire of a thousand suns but now I've gone up an escalator, I think I've change my mind. But I won't stop there- not only will I buy all four books of this truly crap series, I'll buy the three (yes, THREE) biographies of Robert Pattinson (the actor who stars in the film version) as well!"
For those who have been lucky enough to not know what the Christ Twilight is, its a bunch of bilge written by a Mormon housewife named Stephenie Meyer (her name alone shits me to no end, mainly because Stephenie is spelt with another 'e'). Now, call me old fashioned, call me a bit prejudiced, but I really don't reckon that a devout Mormon (I almost spelt moron then- see, the hatred is consuming me) would really the the best authority on writing about a creature belonging to the occult- that's just me though because if things are put into a little perspective, history tells us that religion has a habit of narrowing peoples minds in terms of new ideas and beliefs.
I mean, there's Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley- the godparents of horror who were probably devout Christians back in the day, but they come form a time where you were pretty much belted mercilessly if you were an atheist. Nowadays, most vampire novelists are atheists if anything. Even Anne Rice (who is a Roman Catholic now- she became one in '04) spent most of her adult life and wrote the Vampire Chronicles when she was an atheist. In plain frickin English, I reckon that it's better that your mind is opened to more, less-saccharine sweet possibilities if you're going to write about some seriously gory shit.
I'm not just attacking her religion- who knows, maybe it was just a facade and she was into some good ol' vampire classics like Dracula or the Vampyre? An enticing possibility it is, a home truth it is not. There is absolutely no mention of any vampire texts whatsoever, meaning that the subject matter hasn't really been researched all that well. She says that the Twilight series was 'inspired' (completely ripped) by Anne of Green Gables, Jane Eyre, Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights and A Midsummer Nights dream- basically a bunch of novels where after a few complications, everything is hunky-dory and everyone is in lurrrrrve. Pass me the sick bucket please.
Anyway, back onto the basic plot of Twilight. Basically this girl named Bella is dumped on the doorstep of her father's while her mother pisses off with a baseball player. She goes to school and is immediately popular as many people befriend her/think she's hot- if that's not a complete cop-out, I don't know what is. Apparently this isn't good enough for her as she becomes attracted to Edward, strange unit who is both grossed out by her and lookin' a bit pasty.
What happens next is that a van almost backs over her. At that moment the story would've been immediately awesome but no- Edward has to magically come in and stop the car with his bare hands. It's ok, this is a safe space here. You can yell "OH COME ON!!!!!" and not be persecuted.
So what happens then is that she cons her thick-shit friend into telling her about the legends of the area and voila, finds out he's a vampire. All would be well because OMG, he's like, SO HOT! But with him being a vampire and all, there is a chance he could kill her. Oh but wait- he drinks the blood of animals so that's totally alright! He's like, a vegan!
Now, forgive me for being a bit cynical here, but WHAT THE FUCK?!?!! Vampires are supposed to drink human blood- that's what makes them cool/evil/sexy! They are dangerous and nowadays, they hate it because they just want to be like everybody else who can eat real food. So far even the one known vampire in modern literature that did live on animal blood (Louis out of Interview with the Vampire, because he couldn't live with the guilt) eventually buckled because drinking animal blood is the vampire equivalent of eating out of a bin.
She even states that
"I don't think my books are going to be really graphic or dark, because of who I am. There's a lot of light to my novels."
DON'T CHOOSE A DARK SUBJECT THEN YOU DOZY COW!
Also, another beef I have is that vampires can walk out in the sun. That alone would piss any vampire-nut off but wait- his skin doesn't become a big, steaming pile of ash! No, it 'glitters like diamonds'! As you can imagine I'm basically punching the keys now because it's yet another thing that completely flouts traditional vampire lore. It sounds like he has a head like a fucking disco ball! For one, vampires are creatures of the night, which means they're pretty screwed if they walk out during the day! But oh, it's kinda overcast all the time in Forks to that's ok right? Vampires have an aversion to any kind of natural light because it will burn their skin. Have you got that Meyer? Good, now we can move on.
Anyway, with them being in love and everything, things seem pretty cool bananas. Oh but wait- a real vampire (one that actually drinks human blood) has come to town and has one target- Bella. Now, this is really the only kind of relief in this because here I only see a good guy:
What I really hate that not only does it crap all over vampires but it rides the coattails of Harry Potter in aiming for the pubescent-teen market, only Harry Potter was wholly original without ending up as a complete festering turd of a thing.
I mean, God- Edward's age is listed as being 108 even though he was 'turned' in 1918. Now I wasn't that much good at maths, but that would mean that Twilight is actually set in 2026, not in today's times like it states. It's ok Stephenie Meyer....there are loads of people who can't write or count.
People, be wise. Don't buy Twilight full stop, even as a gift because it's just.....I have a distinct feeling that this was formulated in a whole of 8 seconds and not properly thought through; mainly because each chapter is the absolute same:
Edward: I love you.
Bella: Really?
Edward: But I'm DANGEROUS!!!!!!!
Besides, Stephenie Meyer really doesn't need the money because apparently this piece of shit had sold 42 million copies worldwide. Just goes to show how much good writing is valued nowadays I guess.
Now, what adds insult to injury on this one is while I was browsing the Art section of Borders (right next to the 'Young Adult' section), I kept on being interrupted by these constant titters, giggles, squeals, yelps and yowls. I'd been hearing it for a while so I decided to go check it out, wondering if there was a murder going on that everyone just overlooked. What I saw was not a murder (that would've been kinder), but in fact a bunch of scattered copies of Twilight and a group of girls about 7-strong, sitting down on the floor lying all over eachother. Call me old fashioned again but aren't bookshops generally supposed to be quiet places- there are chairs reserved for quiet reading at least. It was just a little bit irritating in a sandpaper-against-the-uterus kind of way considering these girls were my age, if not older than me and just being really loud and obnoxious with no regard for anyone else.
What really topped it all off was when one of the girls finally caught her breath and whined to one of her cohorts thus:
"Awwww....I hope I don't get thrown out. That'll be the third store in 'ere I've been banned from!"
Oh jeez, I wonder why. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to polish up my six-shooter and buy a can of petrol and a box of matches.
I spent yesterday in Borders trying to hunt down a couple of mangas- I couldn't find the volumes I wanted to basically I ended up wandering around all 2 storeys of the place for about an hour. A whole hour. Doesn't seem like much really until you find this:
A whole....entire section dedicated to Twilight on both levels.
I mean, Jesus. BOTH FUCKING LEVELS! As if a change in altitude is going to change peoples minds!
"Oh yeah. When I was on the ground level I hated Twilight with the fire of a thousand suns but now I've gone up an escalator, I think I've change my mind. But I won't stop there- not only will I buy all four books of this truly crap series, I'll buy the three (yes, THREE) biographies of Robert Pattinson (the actor who stars in the film version) as well!"
For those who have been lucky enough to not know what the Christ Twilight is, its a bunch of bilge written by a Mormon housewife named Stephenie Meyer (her name alone shits me to no end, mainly because Stephenie is spelt with another 'e'). Now, call me old fashioned, call me a bit prejudiced, but I really don't reckon that a devout Mormon (I almost spelt moron then- see, the hatred is consuming me) would really the the best authority on writing about a creature belonging to the occult- that's just me though because if things are put into a little perspective, history tells us that religion has a habit of narrowing peoples minds in terms of new ideas and beliefs.
I mean, there's Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley- the godparents of horror who were probably devout Christians back in the day, but they come form a time where you were pretty much belted mercilessly if you were an atheist. Nowadays, most vampire novelists are atheists if anything. Even Anne Rice (who is a Roman Catholic now- she became one in '04) spent most of her adult life and wrote the Vampire Chronicles when she was an atheist. In plain frickin English, I reckon that it's better that your mind is opened to more, less-saccharine sweet possibilities if you're going to write about some seriously gory shit.
I'm not just attacking her religion- who knows, maybe it was just a facade and she was into some good ol' vampire classics like Dracula or the Vampyre? An enticing possibility it is, a home truth it is not. There is absolutely no mention of any vampire texts whatsoever, meaning that the subject matter hasn't really been researched all that well. She says that the Twilight series was 'inspired' (completely ripped) by Anne of Green Gables, Jane Eyre, Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights and A Midsummer Nights dream- basically a bunch of novels where after a few complications, everything is hunky-dory and everyone is in lurrrrrve. Pass me the sick bucket please.
Anyway, back onto the basic plot of Twilight. Basically this girl named Bella is dumped on the doorstep of her father's while her mother pisses off with a baseball player. She goes to school and is immediately popular as many people befriend her/think she's hot- if that's not a complete cop-out, I don't know what is. Apparently this isn't good enough for her as she becomes attracted to Edward, strange unit who is both grossed out by her and lookin' a bit pasty.
What happens next is that a van almost backs over her. At that moment the story would've been immediately awesome but no- Edward has to magically come in and stop the car with his bare hands. It's ok, this is a safe space here. You can yell "OH COME ON!!!!!" and not be persecuted.
So what happens then is that she cons her thick-shit friend into telling her about the legends of the area and voila, finds out he's a vampire. All would be well because OMG, he's like, SO HOT! But with him being a vampire and all, there is a chance he could kill her. Oh but wait- he drinks the blood of animals so that's totally alright! He's like, a vegan!
Now, forgive me for being a bit cynical here, but WHAT THE FUCK?!?!! Vampires are supposed to drink human blood- that's what makes them cool/evil/sexy! They are dangerous and nowadays, they hate it because they just want to be like everybody else who can eat real food. So far even the one known vampire in modern literature that did live on animal blood (Louis out of Interview with the Vampire, because he couldn't live with the guilt) eventually buckled because drinking animal blood is the vampire equivalent of eating out of a bin.
She even states that
"I don't think my books are going to be really graphic or dark, because of who I am. There's a lot of light to my novels."DON'T CHOOSE A DARK SUBJECT THEN YOU DOZY COW!
Also, another beef I have is that vampires can walk out in the sun. That alone would piss any vampire-nut off but wait- his skin doesn't become a big, steaming pile of ash! No, it 'glitters like diamonds'! As you can imagine I'm basically punching the keys now because it's yet another thing that completely flouts traditional vampire lore. It sounds like he has a head like a fucking disco ball! For one, vampires are creatures of the night, which means they're pretty screwed if they walk out during the day! But oh, it's kinda overcast all the time in Forks to that's ok right? Vampires have an aversion to any kind of natural light because it will burn their skin. Have you got that Meyer? Good, now we can move on.
Anyway, with them being in love and everything, things seem pretty cool bananas. Oh but wait- a real vampire (one that actually drinks human blood) has come to town and has one target- Bella. Now, this is really the only kind of relief in this because here I only see a good guy:
- He actually abides by vampire traditions
- He wants to kill the shit out of that fuckrag Bella
What I really hate that not only does it crap all over vampires but it rides the coattails of Harry Potter in aiming for the pubescent-teen market, only Harry Potter was wholly original without ending up as a complete festering turd of a thing.
I mean, God- Edward's age is listed as being 108 even though he was 'turned' in 1918. Now I wasn't that much good at maths, but that would mean that Twilight is actually set in 2026, not in today's times like it states. It's ok Stephenie Meyer....there are loads of people who can't write or count.
People, be wise. Don't buy Twilight full stop, even as a gift because it's just.....I have a distinct feeling that this was formulated in a whole of 8 seconds and not properly thought through; mainly because each chapter is the absolute same:
Edward: I love you.
Bella: Really?
Edward: But I'm DANGEROUS!!!!!!!
Besides, Stephenie Meyer really doesn't need the money because apparently this piece of shit had sold 42 million copies worldwide. Just goes to show how much good writing is valued nowadays I guess.
Now, what adds insult to injury on this one is while I was browsing the Art section of Borders (right next to the 'Young Adult' section), I kept on being interrupted by these constant titters, giggles, squeals, yelps and yowls. I'd been hearing it for a while so I decided to go check it out, wondering if there was a murder going on that everyone just overlooked. What I saw was not a murder (that would've been kinder), but in fact a bunch of scattered copies of Twilight and a group of girls about 7-strong, sitting down on the floor lying all over eachother. Call me old fashioned again but aren't bookshops generally supposed to be quiet places- there are chairs reserved for quiet reading at least. It was just a little bit irritating in a sandpaper-against-the-uterus kind of way considering these girls were my age, if not older than me and just being really loud and obnoxious with no regard for anyone else.
What really topped it all off was when one of the girls finally caught her breath and whined to one of her cohorts thus:
"Awwww....I hope I don't get thrown out. That'll be the third store in 'ere I've been banned from!"
Oh jeez, I wonder why. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to polish up my six-shooter and buy a can of petrol and a box of matches.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
If It Were Not For This Body, I Would Live forever
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