You are going to hear a totally personal post, which might I add, I am definitely going to regret later. Just as a heads up, it is about a particular person who if for truly the first time in my life I am completely honest, has held a place in in my mind and heart for going on five years, regardless of whether I want them to or not.
I will not say their name as if the people whom I've disappointed get ahold of this they will be able to blackmail me. Also, it would not be fair on the person in question if such an event were to happen and they were thrown into my self inflicted humiliation. They don't deserve that at all.
But in all fairness, please let me clarify a thing or two:
- I don't love them. I mean, not necessarily.....I haven't really experienced it at all (you know the kind I'm talking about) so I can't say for sure- in the instance that what I'm feeling does turn out to be love then I don't want to love them anymore.
- I don't want them to know at all about my vague feelings, so therefore I do not invite them.
- I don't want to be with them.
I want them to be happy, even if its not with me. If I have to refrain from talking to them or being with them then that's fine, as long as they're happy. This is partly the reason as to why I'm writing this- recently I've been a bit troubled with how I feel about this person so if this goes the way I want, then maybe by the end of this post I will be rid of them from my system and will not feel so under-the-thumb of this. Maybe there'll be some truth in the hatred I feel for them as well.
I apologise. I'm not brilliant at this bare-truth thing so please excuse me. It's quite late and I don't know...I really have no truthful excuse for this except that I'm sick of being haunted by the image of this person. I'll probably end up deleting this later so take no notice of it.
In other news, I had my first drive today. Was good, except I need to remember to use my blinkers. Didn't go above 40 km an hour and almost cut the gutter.
